Early 1991 –
Christmas was over now, the new year was about to begin, and I was a year older. I was studying the words of Jesus and asking the Lord to answer many of the tough questions with which I had always grappled but had never taken the time to truly seek answers for. Now I had the time. Of course, one of the questions that still occupied my thoughts frequently was, “How long, oh Lord? How long will I have to stay in prison?”
With my appeal now in the hands of the judges, Tammy Faye was hoping and praying for a speedy release. I was not quite so optimistic. One of us was about to be proved right.
January 1991 was the beginning of one of my worst downhill slides into one of the worst periods of depression I had known since coming to prison. Although I had encouraged my family to stay away at Christmas, I missed them horribly. Despite being surrounded by hundreds of fellow prisoners, I felt alone and abandoned. It was not my family’s fault that I spent Christmas, New Year’s Eve, and my birthday alone. Yet it was the first Christmas of my life that I had not celebrated with my family. It was the first time I had not been with my family on my birthday. My emotions took a nosedive.
Adding to my depression was the news from Charleston, South Carolina, that I had lost another legal battle and I learned that I would not be receiving “good time” for the work I did in prison on a smoking cessation class. This was huge to me because “good time” could help you get out of prison sooner.
I did not want to do anything. I did not want to eat, drink, shave, or bathe. I began to allow myself to become more and more disheveled and unkempt, making little to no effort to clean up. I began to grow a beard, not because I thought it would enhance my appearance, but because I no longer cared about my appearance. Always known as a fastidious dresser – even in prison I wore sharply pressed clothes, with crisp creases in my shirts and pants – my clothes now went unpressed and often unwashed. With my hair uncombed, my body unwashed, and stubble covering my face, I looked like a homeless person. Friends and foes alike who were accustomed to seeing me on the set of PTL well dressed with every hair in place would have had difficulty recognizing me.
I was in the pits.
Surprisingly, at a time when I was at a low point in my prison experience, having lost all hope of ever getting out soon, I received one letter after another exhorting me to keep trusting God and to keep believing that He would bring me out of prison much earlier than I anticipated. As always, their words were a tremendous encouragement to me, and their rich spiritual insights were extremely helpful. Nevertheless, I could not overcome the desire to simply give up and die.
In a letter I received from Tammy Faye near the end of January, she included a list on which members of our congregation in Florida routinely wrote down their prayer requests, asking for the other members of the church to pray for them. On the last Sunday morning of January, there among all the other requests on the list, in his own handwriting, was the name “Jay Bakker.” Beside his name in the prayer request column, Jamie had printed only two words: My Dad.
When I saw the unadorned prayer request of my boy, I burst into tears.
Looking back, I can see where God always had something to keep me going when all hope was seemingly gone. This time was no different.
Dear Jim and Lori ministry you have is the only answer for the Church America and the world. My wife Vicki and I stand with you. We are so blesed to day God has given you the bible truth for to day.God be with you till He comes.
Pastor Jim,
I’m sure that you’re quite aware – by NOW, at age 72; that just about every OTHER well-intentioned Christian – in every country, and in every age of World History; has LIKEWISE experienced these SAME kind of mental/emotional stresses such as yourself; in feeling totally “abandoned” by God, or whatever “reason” in our personal unique negative circumstances. And yes, that even for myself, I’ve already “been there” like you!!!
There’s absolutely NOTHING in the world, in feeling absolutely “hopeless” – and I mean, literally, with NO feelings of HOPE whatsoever inside your darkened soured soul; for feeling totally “abandoned” by God Himself. Yes, feeling absolutely hopeless – i.e., totally mentally and emotionally DRAINED of any residual “positive” thoughts or feelings whatsoever, because of our false belief that the Lord had totally “abandoned” or “forsaken” us during a personal “crisis”; with Him NOT, supposedly, ever “wanting” to have “anything” to do with us for the rest of our “miserable” lives…………..
While we forever “rot” in jail for a “crime” that we never committed……….
Or rotting in JAIL for something that we DID indeed do “wrong” – and repentant for it – but without God seemingly being “there” to help us get over the mental/emotional stress of our own guilt………….
Or on the verge of dying of some fatal disease………..
Or all of a sudden, ending up in “critical condition” in the emergency room of a hospital; because of a heart attack, or some kind of shocking unexpected car accident……….
Or having been cruelly “abandoned” by a loved spouse without just cause………
Or having been “terminated” from a well-paying job, due to lay-offs; or unfairly “terminated” from a job for standing up for the name of Christ…………
Or having all your money and material possessions totally “wiped-out” during an economic collapse or deadly natural disaster…………
Or losing a beloved relative in a natural disaster – OR for serving as a “soldier” fighting in a foreign war…………..
Or with God NOT having answered a prayer for the healing “deliverance” for a dying loved one; but INSTEAD with the same beloved relative having died anyway…………
Or having been unexpectedly and undeservedly “betrayed” by even one of your so-called “trusted” friends…………..
Or having OPENLY “cried out” against APOSTASY in your local “church”; but then, consequently being permanently “excommunicated” from your church; for having to be steadfast and uncompromising in STANDING UP for the “right thing” to do for the truly Biblical way in “running” a modern-day church…………
Oh, well, Pastor Jim………..which one of us HAS NOT yet experienced any ONE (or more) of the above gut-wrenching, heart-breaking incidences within our fragile lives – even as we wander aimlessly in “spiritual misunderstanding”; looking for real “MEANING” – or looking for “Jesus” – in all of life’s horrible tearful sorrows ???
Jim, I’m glad you got “through” them like I did……..and like so many other “over-coming” believers in Christ!!
LONG LIVE THE MOST HIGH GOD – AND HIS SON, JESUS!!!
– Charles Reece
11/4/12
Charles –
We are certainly not alone or unique in our struggles – and that is precisely why I share my struggles publicly – so that someone out there who is going through such a struggle might be encouraged that they, too, can get through it. If Jim Bakker can make it, they can make it too and that’s what they need to hear.
Though I ‘felt’ abandoned, I was not (The Bible says He will never, never, never leave us or forsake us) and God profoundly made that known to me, sometimes in miraculous ways.
Thanks for your comments and since God is eternal, I will AMEN His eternal reign.
Jim
The Trial of Your Faith (Pt. 13)
Dear Sir,
I believe that Jesus was with you every step of the way. He was with you then and he is with you now, empowering you to proclaim the gospel and help the lost sheep out there to find the right pathway that leads to heaven.
When I searched my bible regarding prison, I read :-
John 3:24 …For John was not yet cast into prison…(KJV)
where he was later put into prison.
I searched my mind why god brought me to this verse of scripture. I concluded that John the Baptist according to Jesus was the greatest human ever to live on this planet, and yet he would be least in the kingdom of heaven. God showing us how great he is over mankind!
Even the best they put in prison.
Keep getting stronger sir, and helping the lost hear the voice of Jesus.
God bless,
Stephen
Staffordshire.
UK.
I am impressed about the smoking cessation program. So many of God’s people are chained to this habit. In some parts of the Appalachia children are chewing and smoking. Then years later wanting to be free. My heart goes out to you Jim. You suffered so, many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers us. You are a very important part of the body of Christ. We need you