“Empty and Angry”
1980
After my hysterectomy, the anger and resentment I had stuffed down inside of me because of the abortions began to erupt, and I knew then my marriage would never survive my hatred for Jesse. “It’s me or the baby,” he’d said every time I’d gotten pregnant. Then he would lead me on. “Someday we’ll have kids. There’s plenty of time for that.” He’d never meant it, and I finally realized that. And there hadn’t been plenty of time. Now I was twenty-two years old and going through surgically induced menopause.
I was sick beyond sick, and I didn’t think I would ever get over it. I couldn’t watch a diaper commercial on TV without falling apart. More than anything in the world I had wanted to be a mother. Even as a little girl I would stuff a pillow under my baby-doll pajamas and walk around pretending I was pregnant.
God must have intended me to be a mother of many; I was a Fertile Myrtle, and I got pregnant every year from the ages of seventeen to twenty-one. Except for the first pregnancy, I was using birth control. But because of my drug use, I would forget and miss taking a pill here and there. I invariably got pregnant. Then I had an IUD for a while, but I took it out because it was painful… So I went back on the pill . . . and still managed to get pregnant.
But not anymore. The chance for that was gone forever. And as I began to realize that, I was incredibly angry with Jesse for taking away my dream. I was angry with myself too, because abortion was ultimately my choice.
Motherhood – Part 1
Motherhood – Part 2
Motherhood – Part 4
Motherhood – Part 5
Motherhood – Part 6
Motherhood – Part 7
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kinda like the article that you have written . it just is not that easy to discover good stuff toactually read (you know.. really READ and not simply going through it like a zombie before going somewhere else), so cheers mate for not wasting my time on the god forsaken internet. :p
Dear Lori, how time has flown since you all first arrived at the new “Morningside”. I have wanted to come up your way since your first Christmas. Well, we still haven’t made it. Actually, I would love to move up there someday. Im a Texas girl and have been my whole life. Time to move on. Anyway just wanted to say M erry Christmas and although I won’t get to be there I will get to one day and would love to meet you all. Your a very real person. Thanks so much.. Please keep it real unlike so many other Christian people on tv. Blessings, Tess
Dear Lori:
My daughter and I flew out to talk with you in May. You were so loving and helpful and “understood” what she’s been going through for the last 20 years (guilt, grief, agony) over the decision she had made. Thank you for your wonderful blog where Our Heavenly Father Keeps using you to reach out and help other suffering mom’s to accept God’s forgiveness and then to forgive themselves. Again, thank you for being gracious with your time and sisterly love. Mom & daughter, Clearwater, Fl.
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And that’s what my testimony is all about!!!!!! Thank you, Sharon & daughter for letting me know that you were helped. A prophet once told me that I would take the stick that the devil beat me with, and beat him many times over. I receive that prophecy.
So Much Love
~Lori