I’m So Defensive

I thought I would get your attention with that title, but it’s a true statement! I am very defensive! That is… I am a defender of Jim particularly (and other family members, especially my kids); I am a defender of women; I am a defender of God!

I can completely relate to Sarah Palin when she said she was a “momma grizzly bear.” I think the instinct to defend our children is in most of us as Mothers. If it’s not, there’s something broken inside!

Defending those we love is an honorable character trait, don’t you think? Jesus is our defender and He is passionate about it! Continue reading

A Little Boy’s Voice (Pt. 7)

Because I’d never had an ultrasound, I didn’t know the gender of any of the children I aborted, so don’t ask me how I knew this; I can’t tell you. But somehow I knew in my heart that the voice I had just heard belonged to my son. He would have been my firstborn.

Now, on the beach, I understood why God had wanted me to hear the radio broadcast of “Tilly,” and why he had spoken to me in the voice of my unborn child for the second time. He had already forgiven me, but he wanted to begin a healing process in me. I remember hearing a preacher say once that God does things in the heavenly realm that there are no earthly words to describe. I believe that with God, all things are possible. Whatever it takes for you to be healed, that’s what he will do for you. That’s what it took for me. I needed to hear that voice. Needed that reassurance.

God knew I could never have taken all the guilt and grief at once. So he restored me bit by bit, patched my broken spirit piece by piece. I did not get up from that experience energized and with a burning zeal to speak to women about abortion. In fact, over time, I almost forgot what God had shown me that day. Yet, I always remembered hearing that voice, and I remembered it as a healing time, a moment when God, in his infinite grace and mercy, put a Band-Aid on my bleeding soul.

After my hour alone on the beach, I was able to pull myself together. I got up, brushed myself off, and walked back to where Bobbi and the kids were soaking up the sun. I had lost the exuberance with which we had started the trip, but I was functional again.

Yet, it would be another five years before I would fully grieve for the loss of my children. And that would be the third and final time I heard my son’s voice….

…I heard Adam’s voice for a final time. “We’re waiting here for you, Mommy, and one day you’ll be here too, and we’ll spend forever together.” The voice was very comforting, and I knew I wasn’t crazy. The inaudible voice was really God speaking to my spirit; I heard it as a child’s voice—my son’s voice—because that was what I needed for my healing. God had prepared me for this moment by letting me hear that voice years earlier.

God Loves to Come Full-Circle – Mourning to Joy

When I was young and foolish, I destroyed the ability that God gave me to be a Mother.  I suffered tremendously because of my decisions back then, especially as I matured and realized what I had done.  I had wanted to be a Mother since I was a young girl.  I loved to play with dolls and play that I was a Mother, even from the very early years of my life.  To have that taken away from me was devastating, and I grieved over it for a long, long time and still do at times.

But God has a plan for all of His people that does not include grief and sorrow.  Instead of the ashes of my barren life, God gave me 5 beautiful children to love and raise.  He is a God that loves to restore and bring your life full-circle back to what He intended for you from the beginning.  He loves to give you beauty for ashes, and He will when you love Him and seek Him with all your heart.

I love the beauty for ashes verses in the Bible.  Isaiah 61 reads like my own personal memoirs from God:

“The Spirit of the Lord God is upon Me”…oh yes, it is!  He has given me His Spirit!

“Because the Lord has anointed Me to preach good tidings to the poor” …oh yes, He has!  I preach whenever I get a chance that God has a better life for you to live, God has a better plan and He will show you that you don’t have to be poor in spirit; you don’t have to grieve over past sin and past hurts your entire life.

“He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted” …oh yes, He has!  I love to tell people that God is not mad at them!  He does not hold sin against you when you are brokenhearted over it yourself!  He wants to heal your heart, and heal your spirit.  He wants you to come full-circle and back around to what He intended for your life from the start.

“To proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound” …you see, just as God has a plan for your life from the very beginning, in this fallen world we have an enemy in the devil, and He will do everything he can to steal, kill and destroy the plan of God for you.  Sometimes we succumb to the enemy and he gets us all bound up in sin and unable to get free.  But God knows how to get us free and He will do it!  Once you get free of the enemy’s grasp, you can’t stop telling of the Lord’s freedom!  I will never stop telling people that you too can be free!  You too can be out of the prison of sin and free from its effects!

“To proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord, and the day of vengeance of our God” …God said that vengeance belonged to Him alone.  God loves to put the devil in his place.  I like to think of the big hand of God just smacking the devil away as we repent, love God, praise Him, and thank Him for His loving kindness!   When we do this, a miracle occurs;  God exacts his vengeance through us, the born again ones,  in the form of FAITH.  Faith in God destroys the enemy!  When you believe God, and you resist the devil – He has to flee!

“To comfort all who mourn,  to console those who mourn in Zion, to give them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness” …there it is!  This is what God will do for all of His people who come to Him heavy laden with sin!  As soon as you repent and give your heart to God, He starts bringing your life full-circle back to where He intended you to be.  He takes the stick that the devil beat you with and hands it to you so that you can beat the devil back.  Your mess becomes your message, your test becomes your testimony!  You can’t stop telling about the goodness of God and His restoration of all parts of you;  that child that loved to play Mommy, that little boy that loved to preach, that teen-ager who wanted to change the world for Christ…. When the devil comes in like a flood, God raises a standard against him.  God’s standard is truth and justice.

“For I, the Lord, love justice” …

There are many out there who are broken-hearted over sin.  You have gone down a wrong path and you want desperately to turn around.  You can do it today.  You can be restored to everything God intended for your from the beginning.  You can come full-circle in your life.  God can bring you right back to where you need to be.  Call out to Him.  Come to Him and you will see that His arms are wide open and He is ready and waiting for you.  He loves you and He hasn’t changed His mind about you.  He will receive you and He will comfort you and restore you.  He will give you beauty for ashes, and joy instead of mourning!

Motherhood (Pt. 7)

A few years after Lori was born (we now call her “Little Lori”), the circumstances of life led us to a place where Jim and I could adopt this beautiful child.  She was and is my namesake, and she is beautiful, inside and out.

“Little Lori” is now 20 years old.  Not only is she an amazing human being, she is gifted in many areas.  She has done a wonderful job producing our television show in the past, and today she is studying and preparing for a career in fashion design. Continue reading

Motherhood (Pt. 6)

I thought of another Bible verse I had memorized:  “I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten.”  God was doing that in my life, giving back the years I had lost because of my sin and rebellion.  He had done it in several areas already.

Having made the choice to have five abortions, I lost the opportunity to ever have children.  Yet God had blessed me with many spiritual offspring—like “my girls,” Kelli, Nicks, Morgan, Nina, and Michelle Murillo.  He’d given me an inner-city family—Margie’s family—complete with a namesake, Little Lori.  Continue reading

Motherhood (Pt. 5)

I couldn’t say anything at first. I simply looked into his adoring eyes, brimming with tenderness, and my eyes began to fill with tears as well. I knew in my heart this was not something Jim had said lightly or on the spur of the moment; it was something he must have thought about a great deal. God had given me a man whose unconditional love for me was almost beyond my comprehension, and his desire to make such a sacrificial gift—to become a father again at the age of sixty and to raise a child that would not even be his biologically—overwhelmed me for a few moments.

“We couldn’t adopt a baby right now,” Jim said, “But we won’t always be on the road. Things are going to settle down soon, and when they do, you can have a little buddy.”

We talked about how much fun I would have dressing up a little girl and taking her places with me and doing things together. “But I know longer need a baby to fill me,” I said. “ My life has been filled with children—my nieces and nephew; my namesake, Little Lori; my “girls,” who are like my own daughters.  Then there’s Armondo, who will always be my foster son. And especially your two children, whom I adore.  I even have two grandkids now!”

But I still longed for a child of my own.

When I reflect on my past, I realize that the number one thing satan tried to rob me of was family and children of my own.

He shouldn’t have done that.

Motherhood – Part 1
Motherhood – Part 2
Motherhood – Part 3
Motherhood – Part 4
Motherhood – Part 6
Motherhood – Part 7

Motherhood (Pt. 4)

Mother’s Day 2000

I gave Jim a quick kiss when I read his cards, and then I opened the package, which he had meticulously wrapped himself. Inside was a darling little doll in a green travel case. The pretty blond had on a frilly dress and tiny little socks and patent leather shoes.

“She’s adorable honey. Thank you.”

“She’s blonde and beautiful, just like you.”

Jim served me lunch, and we chatted about our ministry schedule and upcoming events as we ate. When we finished our meal, I stood up and started to clear the coffee table.

“Leave that for a minute,” He said. “I have another present for you—“

“Jim!”

“No, its not something tangible, so don’t protest.” I sat back down on a small sofa beside him. “Come here, baby.” He put his arm around me and pulled me close.

I studied his face for a minute. He looked very serious and yet very caring. “Tell me about this gift,” I said.

“The doll reminded me of you,” He began, “But it’s real just a symbol of my love. It represents the one thing I’d give anything in the world to be able to give you —-a baby.”

He paused as his eyes grew moist, and his voice was husky with emotion as he continued.

“I know that the greatest dream of your life was to be a mother, but that’s not possible anymore. So my real Mother’s Day gift to you, Lori Beth, is to tell you that if you still cherish that dream of being a mother, we can adopt a baby.”

Motherhood – Part 1
Motherhood – Part 2
Motherhood – Part 3
Motherhood – Part 5
Motherhood – Part 6
Motherhood – Part 7

Motherhood (Pt. 3)

“Empty and Angry”

1980

After my hysterectomy, the anger and resentment I had stuffed down inside of me because of the abortions began to erupt, and I knew then my marriage would never survive my hatred for Jesse.  “It’s me or the baby,” he’d said every time I’d gotten pregnant.  Then he would lead me on.  “Someday we’ll have kids.  There’s plenty of time for that.”  He’d never meant it, and I finally realized that.  And there hadn’t been plenty of time.  Now I was twenty-two years old and going through surgically induced menopause.

I was sick beyond sick, and I didn’t think I would ever get over it. I couldn’t watch a diaper commercial on TV without falling apart.   More than anything in the world I had wanted to be a mother.  Even as a little girl I would stuff a pillow under my baby-doll pajamas and walk around pretending I was pregnant.

God must have intended me to be a mother of many; I was a Fertile Myrtle, and I got pregnant every year from the ages of seventeen to twenty-one.  Except for the first pregnancy, I was using birth control.  But because of my drug use, I would forget and miss taking a pill here and there.  I invariably got pregnant.  Then I had an IUD for a while, but I took it out because it was painful…  So I went back on the pill . . . and still managed to get pregnant.

But not anymore.  The chance for that was gone forever.  And as I began to realize that, I was incredibly angry with Jesse for taking away my dream. I was angry with myself too, because abortion was ultimately my choice.

Motherhood – Part 1
Motherhood – Part 2
Motherhood – Part 4
Motherhood – Part 5
Motherhood – Part 6
Motherhood – Part 7

Motherhood (Pt. 2)

“Empty and Angry”

1980

I stared at the new-patient history form I was filling out in the surgeon’s office.  “Number of pregnancies,” it said.  I couldn’t bring myself to fill in that blank.

Jesse was sitting next to me, thumbing through a magazine.  I looked over at him.  “It asks how many times I’ve been pregnant,” I said.

“So, what’s the problem?”

“I’m embarrassed to say I’ve had five abortions.”

“Why?”

     You really don’t get it, do you?  I thought.  “Never mind,” I told him.

“It’s not that big a deal, Lori.  Just answer the questions so the doctor can find out what’s wrong with you.”

I finished filling out the form, and Jesse took the clipboard back to the receptionist.  Just getting up and down from a chair hurt.  I’d been in pain for almost a year—ever since my last abortion actually, although I had not made a connection between that event and my pain.  My right side hurt all the time and it kept getting worse.  I have a high tolerance for pain, so I put off going to the doctor for a long time.  When I finally couldn’t stand it anymore, I sought help.

The doctor had sent me for an ultrasound—the technology was still fairly new in 1980—and then for a surgical consultation.

“From the ultrasound, it looks like you have a grapefruit-sized cyst on your right ovary,” the surgeon said when I was finally ushered back to his office.  “That’s not uncommon.  I’ll go in and remove the cyst, and hopefully that’s all we’ll have to do.”

“You mean you might have to do more surgery?”

“Possibly.  But the most I’ll have to do is take the one ovary.  That way you’ll still be able to have children—if you want to.”

“Yes, I do.  Very much.”

“I see you’ve had several abortions.”  He was looking at the medical history I’d filled out, and I blushed as I confirmed it for him.

“But, I would like to have children someday,” I said.

“You’re young and otherwise healthy.  Even with one ovary you should be able to get pregnant, and we’ll try to save both ovaries if we can.”

I was so relieved by his answer.  And so ready for an end to the pain.

A few days later, after surgery, I woke up briefly in the recovery room, and a nurse gave me a shot for the pain.  When I awoke again, I was in my hospital room.  Jesse was standing on one side of the bed and my mom on the other.  Dad was pacing around the room.

The pain was excruciating, and no one had to tell me what had happened.  I just knew.  I felt empty.

I looked at Jesse and asked, “They took everything didn’t they?”  My voice was groggy from the medication.

“Don’t worry about anything right now, baby.  Just get some rest,” he said.

I didn’t trust Jesse to tell me the truth, but I knew my mother wouldn’t lie to me, so I asked her the same question.  “They took everything, didn’t they, Mom?”

“They had to, Lori.”  She looked as if she’d been crying.  “They had to save your life.”

“God, no . . .” I was still too sedated to even cry.

“You’re going to be okay, honey.  Just go to sleep and get some rest.”  Mom squeezed my hand as I gave up the struggle to stay awake.

Motherhood – Part 1
Motherhood – Part 3
Motherhood – Part 4
Motherhood – Part 5
Motherhood – Part 6
Motherhood – Part 7

Motherhood (Pt. 1)

“Talking Heart to Heart”

When Jim and I were dating, we often talked on the phone into the night about everything; sharing personal stories, learning all about each other as sweethearts do at the beginning of a relationship.  He described the emotional devastation he had gone through in prison, and I started opening up about my past.  He never pushed me to reveal anything I didn’t want to, never even asked me that many questions.  It was months later, for example, before Jim ever knew my ex-husband’s first name.  What Jim really wanted to get was a glimpse of my heart—to know the real me—and what a priceless gift that was.

One of the things I began to talk about was the crushing loss of my dream of motherhood.  “Ever since I can remember,” I told Jim, “All I wanted to be was a mommy.  In my childhood photographs, I’m always carrying a baby doll—sometimes one under each arm.”

“I can picture that,” Jim said.  “I’ve seen you with kids.  You’re so nurturing.”

“I know that nurturing was born into me.  It was a gift of God, a gift meant to be used for my children.”

“You never had any children after your abortions?”

“No, I couldn’t.”

I acknowledged that my abortions had eventually robbed me of the opportunity to ever bear children, and I told Jim the story of my hysterectomy at the age of twenty-two. . .

Motherhood – Part 2
Motherhood – Part 3
Motherhood – Part 4
Motherhood – Part 5
Motherhood – Part 6
Motherhood – Part 7