The broadcast that day by Focus on the Family was called “Tilly.” The skillful blend of voices and music and sound effects captivated me, and I was quickly lost in the story.
I identified with the character named Kathy, a depressed woman who has a dream populated with lots of children. She discovers something different about these children: they have no names and no parents, and they don’t know where they came from. The ethereal background music clued the listener that these children were actually in heaven. I gripped the steering wheel tightly as I tried to keep my emotions in check.
Children in heaven with no names and no parents. A woman who is depressed and doesn’t know what is wrong. Dear God, I know what’s wrong with her; I’ve been in her shoes.
I knew instantly that God was dealing with me about my abortions. I had not just stumbled across a Christian program for Bobbi’s or Nikki’s or Jason’s sake. It may have been my hand that turned the knob, but it was God who tuned my car radio to the station I needed to hear.
I glanced in the rearview mirror at the kids in the backseat. Five-year-old Nikki was like my own daughter. I had been in the delivery room when she was born, and I had helped Bobbi raise her. Jason, who was nine, was like my own nephew. His mother, Bobbi’s sister Kathy, was also a lifelong friend. Our relationship was so close that Nikki and Jason called me Auntie Lori.
I loved these two children dearly, but they weren’t my flesh and blood. I had destroyed my own flesh and blood, and now I would never have any children to call me Mommy.
Five children. I was supposed to have five children. The thought hammered into my heart relentlessly as I listened to the radio drama. They were children—my children—and I killed them! Oh, I hadn’t done it by myself. Others helped me and encouraged me. Someone else actually did the killing, and it was all legal. But the bottom line was the same: my children were gone. And I was responsible. It was my choice to take their lives.
What tormenting thoughts. How could I stand them?
A glimmer of hope flickered across my mind. They’re in heaven. Like Tilly.
Someone else had recently told me that, I remembered. One evening at a singles meeting at church, Craig Smith had shared his experience of being on drugs before he committed his life to Christ. Now he was a successful businessman with a beautiful wife and two daughters. If he can come out of that lifestyle, so can I, I thought. Yet I was a brand-new Christian, and I had just begun to struggle with the issues of my past, and I hadn’t faced up to my abortions at all. As Craig spoke that night, it suddenly seemed to be too much for me to handle.
Not wanting anyone to see me cry, I had slipped outside. Melissa, Craig’s wife, followed me. “Do you want to talk about it?” she asked me.
“I don’t know if I can.” I had never told any of my new Christian friends about the abortions. Yet in spite of my hesitation at sharing something so personal and so shameful, all at once I started spilling it out to Melissa. I told her I had had five abortions. And she didn’t judge me or condemn me. Instead, she accepted me and comforted me.
“Lori, your babies are in heaven,” she said softly.
Oh Lori… my heart breaks as yours must have that very moment in time that reality did a “check in” on your heart!
I love the fact that “Melissa” was ever present, aware… watching… seeing in that meeting and moved when God told her to move and followed your broken heart out of the room. How precious that she simply followed you quietly out and asked: “Do you want to talk about it?”
We certainly need more “Melissa Hearts” in our world today. Look what that sweet moment in time did… Spirit of the Living God collided with your heart that day and began a seedling work that we see today: “Lori’s House”! And all because a woman saw the broken heart of another, with no idea what the broken heart held within it! Many more “Lori’s” are out here AND Praise God… Glory Hallelujah…. There are “Melissa’s” too!
Can’t help think over and over the lyrics of Jason Crabb’s song “Love is Stronger” (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zFEVvLgP-Zk) for you and simply weep at the Magnanimous Power of our Abba Father and His desire to Love us and fulfill Jer 29:11 in each of us. My my such a journey to be on though! Oh Father I pray that we would gain the eyes to see & have the ears to hear what breaks your heart, would also break ours! Amen! Can’t wait for Part 3!
Bouquets of Love, Hugs & Prayer from California!
Love you Much,
Kathlene
Hi Kathlene,
It was all so long ago, and although God’s work of healing is so amazing, the miracle of my life is that now I can minister to those who are hurting and going through some of the same things. God uses the broken to help others!
Thank you for your love and encouragement!
Lori
Amen and Amen Lori! We all have a story… and within those stories are Testimonies that that hold keys to unlock the prison cells of others! We all need each other incredibly! The individual stories & testimonies we each have are of the same love and texture which is “Jesus Saves & sets us Free” no matter what the circumstance is! We all go “THROUGH” shadows of the valleys in life so that when we see others going through their own dark valleys, we will be able to personally minister or direct them where & who to go to for a genuine ministry with power knowing “someone” has worn the very same shoes and walked a few miles in the same shoes as they are or have!
We (the family of God) can do ALL things through Christ! (Christ in you, Christ in me, Christ in every believer on the face of the earth) We don’t receive the glorious gift of salvation & redemption just get into heaven for a selected seats! We must get ourselves ready ‘on purpose’ as Joshua encourages us in: Joshua 3 … So many parts of the New Testament and our lives today are hidden in the Old Testament … and Revealed in the New Testament. It’s pure joy to serve the Lord with you in the Kingdom at Hand! God is on the move… Hallelujah, and I’m going where He goes!
Love, Kathlene
Ah, Tilly! One of Frank Peretti’s earlier works! Excellent story, like all his others!
Yes, Joshua… Tilly is an amazing ministry tool.
Tilly is good story by Frank Peretti. All of his stories are great!